Experience

I have so much to cover... hang in there with me.

It's been a great couple of days. Had yesterday off of work for a school function... actually I should start this blog with what happened 2 days ago.

Thursday I worked and afterward when to school... was able to take part in a really nice banquet that honored NCAA college coach Don Meyer. The conversation that he presented was really good, I love hearing from older individuals who house so much knowledge and wisdom and share it. I so badly want more time for reading, taking in information and just being able to spend time in prayer and with Tina. Hopefully soon...

Friday like I mentioned previously i had off of work... I went to another school function this time it was a field trip to a Mosque in Rochester. It was a unique experience which I hope to post my report on the trip in the future here on blogger.com. I think it truly helps to flesh out a view of a particular culture, people group or in this case religious identity by going into that arena of thought and taking in their surroundings and their position of faith/understanding. I think in the Western world we definitely have an overly negative view on Islam. Now for the sake of an argument here... I'm unapologetically Christian but I can at the least see and respect the actions/thoughts/beliefs of other individuals. The fact of the matter is... when you look past the theological implications and differences between people... well you see people. This makes quite a difference, when you actually shake the hand of someone who theologically you would bump heads with but at the present time your sitting next to them eating lunch. I sometimes think of the innocence of birth, and how all these babies are born in and around each other at a hospital and how they will all go on to take on different lives, different faiths, different families, different careers, etc... and they may ultimately find one another as enemies at some point. Yet at this point... at the point of birth they know nothing but the air there breathing, the skin of those who touch them and the beating of their own heart. Pretty amazing.

Got side-tracked for a second...

Well to go into what I did today...

Today Tina and I went to birthing classes. We had a great time, honestly we did. It feels so good to just spend time with my wife and my baby. To spend the whole day with them and to not be rushed to and from anywhere. What a relief.

I've been feel a sense of anxiety lately, and almost like a madness coming over me. It's the pressure and rigours of pressing forward and onward day in and day out. I don't think anyone can truly understand the busyness of my schedule and I know that I say this a lot or even complain about it a lot. Yet I mean it... you can only go off of 5 hours of sleep every night for so long. Not getting enough sleep can make you a very irritable individual... trust me I know.

I mean I just want to simplify things a bit. Not make things simplistic but to make them simplified (these two things are different)

I want to spend time with my wife, with my baby and with a career I love.
Simple.

Work has been getting increasingly complicated. Demands are lifting, things are speeding up rapidly, time is getting tighter... just really suffocating. I never feel like I can do enough or do it well enough or that anybody truly cares. Yes I know I CHOOSE TO GO TO SCHOOL... but at the same time shouldn't I be commended for this (just a tad)? I mean I'm trying to make myself better... this is the difference of looking at individual's as employees rather than human beings. If you look at someone as a human being and know that they are going to school but still give you quite a bit of their time and they work hard... well you should be pleased to have them. Not make scheduling issues a hurdle to jump over constantly (only adding to my anxiety, frustration, etc) which they just can't seem to understand what it's like to be going from one place to another and having a schedule that is bumper to bumper.

I know, I know... other people have families, and lives, and hobbies, etc. I get it... but all I know is what I know. I pump over 40+ hours into school (easily) and I pump 33-35 hours into work. It gets to be difficult over time and my sanity becomes questionable. With needing (and more importantly WANTING) to take off time in the future for when the baby comes it seems like it's being treated as a huge ordeal. Honestly wouldn't you think that as a company you would want to help out those that have dedicated the past 9 years with loyal service? Just a thought...
I also shouldn't have my job security thrown up in my face.

Anyway.. I just really want to change somethings up in my life. I'm not willing to miss my child during the early years of his life, I also know that I need to take better care of myself and I NEED to be doing something that I love with my life. Life is too short to spend it being so busy that days feel like whiplash rather than opportunities to engage others in love and fellowship. I just need things to be more simple... I just want to spend time with my wife, my son and in a place of passion that allows me to be the best that I can possibly be. (and no not in the army)

Is this too much to ask?

A few last points before I leave this blog (and don't come back for another month! lol) I'm backing down on school going into next spring... I have to do something to get control of my life. I've been running too hard, too fast for too long. I'm irritable with too many people and I'm not the kind of person that I know God created me to be. I want to have time for Bible studies, for working more at the church, for being able to sit down and have coffee with old friends (in order to just see how "they're doing")

I'm eager to start writing in the near future... I just need to write some sort of short book just so I know that I can. My theology is constantly developing and as of recently I have felt this increased anointing come over me as I have moved from a place of intellectual wrestling to a life of grace, love and mercy. This step has been a difficult one for me... as the bulk of my Christian faith has always been tied around intellect, and my own understanding of things. Thank God for the Gospel of John! That Gospel more than any other gospel expresses the need to believe in order to understand which is counter to the way the world does things (you must understand to believe) I also have been so humbled by the power of God, and what He has done with this pregnancy and with our lives in general. He is so truly awesome and beautiful.


When I write a book... (and it will be soon)

I'm thinking about doing one of the following...

either writing a book on the distance we find between the world of academia (more or less Bible school) and the world of relationships/evangelism/etc and how we can merge those two together. Intellectual reason meets emotional belief.

The other book I have thought about writing is a personal memoir dealing with the loss that Tina and I occurred last year...moving towards Judah being born this December! I'm incredibly excited for this book because it's really going to touch base with a certain degree of emotion mixed with my own theology and worldview. It's going to take my faith and my experience and my brutal honesty about the whole situation to a new level. I have never seen a book on the market dealing with A. a man's perspective of losing a baby B. A book like this based out of a Biblical worldview C. A memoir depicting God rescuing a marriage out of a loss and into the opportunity for a new hope in a little baby boy.

So that's that.

I also desperately want to expand youth group, make a greater impact online, put together a young adults program and really gain some ground on the surrounding colleges by evangelism. I'd like to continue building up my theology through books by those that I love reading, studying. Instead of reading books from individuals who I do not care for (scholastically) and having to spend hours writing papers about!

Well that's it for now... I'm incredibly excited for Judah. I praise God each and every day for the amazing blessing he has given Tina and I.
- Lance