Praising and Pressuring.

Something has been happening to me.

Something deep. Something outside of possible explanation. Yet I'm always willing to give it the "ole college try." It isn't the move. It isn't the baby. Surely these things have been powerful movements in my life, well in our life (mine and Tina's)... yet that is not it.

I have gone into this place... this dark night of the soul type of place. God is working stuff in and out of me. I'm dealing with the past, with the dark trenches of my life. I'm dealing with the garbage, the crap, the secrets of family, the rejections of friendships, the expectation of Faith.

One day I'm on fire. The next day I'm in a place of motion and pain and mourning and farewells.

Not to anyone in particular. I'm in a place of dying to myself. To my own pursuit, to my own expectations, and I'm aligning with His expectations and that is a beautiful and wrecked place. Hmm... am I being honest enough for you?

If I'm honest it's something bigger that I ever could have expected or desired.

This is the sort of thing that they don't teach you at Bible school, or at seminary... this is the sort of thing that you don't know about, until you meet it head on. In realizing that I have few friends, and that's because I have expectations for friendships. I'm tired of masks, I'm tired of subscribing to systems that the world ushers individuals into. I'm tired of life being something we tirelessly move in and out of. We should all want our lives to matter, and I surely know that I want mine to matter.

For many put on masks, one mask for school, one mask for work, one mask for church, another for group A friends, another for group B friends. When really all one wants is to be "real" and even at times... we ask ourselves "what does it even mean to be real?"

I analyze things. I'm a thinker. I'm someone who seeks to poke, prod, question and I want others to do the same or at least be willing to discover alongside me. I overheard someone talking about their job, and it's at a hospital and they suggested that the life of a patient was "Daily Business" and I wondered to myself "what part of someones existence and life expectancy is "Daily Business" to you?"

Everyday I'm drafted into another's agenda, or plan or place of contention. I'm told that I should care about things that I really do not care about. Then I'm told that I should care because I get paid for it... this is not enough to motivate or sustain passion. God is constantly working on me and I have no idea where he is leading us. lol

I'm okay with this.

I'm okay with this because every time I thought I would take the wheel... I crashed the car that of which is my life... so I'm okay with this but yet it can be discomforting because all we know from the day we're born is that we are to put together a life and that we're to defend this life at every turn. What if we're to do the opposite of the world and we're to submit our life- this to many seems impractical, this may even seem to be irresponsible and yet with God this is the way life is to be. We're to give up to gain, we're to surrender in order to conquer, we're to die in order to live.

I'm through with my reputation. My own seeking of reputation does not matter in the presence of God.

I have an issue (well many issues) with "Churchianity" with "Cozy Christianity" with those that claim that "God is Good" and yet they still live a shell of a life that utters something different. This isn't legalism, this isn't judgment, this isn't self-righteousness, I'm not sitting here with my feet up suggesting that I don't have my own issues- I have plenty. Trust me I was there with myself when I was sobbing by myself. I just want Faith in general to matter- I want for those that say "God is Good" for their life, for my life to resonate with His Goodness. So God is Good? Then what does your life suggest about a Good God? What does God being Good say about your life? How has his Goodness propelled you to live? What does being made in His image mean? These are the things that the Christian must wrestle with and if you are not wrestling with these things then why?

If my Faith does not offend then it must encourage. What does this mean? It means that if I'm not doing either with my Faith, then I must examine my Faith. As I look (and Praise God) for being able to bring a son or daughter into this world, as I look to teach, motivate, and encourage the youth of His Church I know the importance of being in His presence. I take this seriously because I could be their only exposure to the Gospel, I could be the only time they have a conversation about Jesus and my life must matter and resonate with Him and if it doesn't. Again why?

I'm on this road, Tina and I are on this road and its incredibly exciting. Everyday I'm tussling, and toiling with scripture. I'm seeking His will, I understand that prayer matters, that words matter and that I'm a human being with issues that go beyond the physical and into the spiritual realm. I could write for hours, but I have somethings to attend to. In the end I must ask of those that read my blogs... if you are a believer then what do you believe about this:

Is Jesus Christ the best possible way? Or is He the only way? I believe you know where I stand on this, if He is for you what He is for me and that is that He is the only way- how does your life reflect that?

Peace be With You.
Lance

Movement.

Moving Forward.

Something I wrote concerning my Faith convictions, the premise of the book I'm putting together and my quick analysis of a piece of scripture:

So enjoy and ask questions, and seek and ponder- I'm excited to be alive right now... with the baby on the way and all the great things happening with the Church. I've come to this conclusion about where my Faith is heading...

My Faith life must be either encouraging to others or offensive and if it's not then I must be missing something. Either I will help build you up or I will put you on edge but either way I must be connecting with you and you with me.


CONNECTING ACTS 17:16-34 TO TODAY

“How much longer will it be?” the grizzled old man asked from behind the semi-closed doors of the retail giant Eazy-Dollar. Judah looked down at his cell phone and back out at the crowd that curled like a snake from between the double doors and the rain soaked sidewalk outside. Well sir, we're not officially opened till 10am and its 9:40 right now it will be about 5 minutes until we hand out vouchers. As Judah walked away from the doors, he saw both the anguish and the buzz in the corridor between the inside of the store and those waiting on the cold side-walk. The line consisted of all age ranges, young and old, white, black, and every shade between. It was a Sunday morning, Judah typically didn't work Sundays if he had a choice. His Sundays were reserved for church and the very thought of having to deal with the grumpy and greedy made him tick with anticipation for his work day to be over. He thought to himself the irony of things, that on his way to work he viewed against the backdrop of a rising sun the offspring of the present system of greed in that of the homeless and the broken. Yet now the time was 15 minutes till open, and Judah had realized that some in the crowd had stayed over night waiting with dire anticipation, these individuals had tents and sleeping bags and lawn chairs- these individuals chose to take up looking homeless, sleeping on the side-walk all for what? The next big video game machine.


As it would happen the day moved on, as days tend to do. Judah wrestled with customers all day and was in charge of driving credit sales for the morning. Selling debt to people all morning, and on Sunday morning of all mornings, “great” he thought to himself. As Judah got ready to leave for the day he thought about how he missed service at 9am, he thought about the church and he thought about the people outside that morning. He wondered what it might look like if people lined up that way for God. What would it be like if people lined up at that way for Jesus? His thoughts moved in and out from his church which currently struggled with membership and with his retail job. He wondered for awhile just how he could connect Sunday church with Monday work. He felt a divide in his life, and it was just about driving him crazy. There has to be a deeper reality to this Jesus thing, Judah thought.

There has to be something more to Faith than a 9-10:30 service on a Sunday morning. What does it mean to be a part of a new humanity?


As he thought about these things he walked a few stores down to the Christian outlet store. He always enjoyed cycling through the new Christian living books and looking at the new music that came in every Tuesday. While thoughts continued in Judah's head about the division in his life between what he lived and what he believed- Judah saw his thoughts play out in the backdrop at the Christian store. Looking around he realized that even in what might be considered a store of sacred products he found secular consumerism. Ugh he thought to himself. Tissue with Psalms on them? Mints with crosses and Jesus fish inscribed on them? No wonder why nobody was lining up for Jesus- it seemed as if he sold cheesy product. Books with titles like “Get Spiritual” and “Spiritual Journey” rang in his head- but I'm physically living right now, why should I even care about the spiritual when it doesn't seem to apply to my living today!

Judah left the store disappointed at this new revelation, he was especially disappointed when the lady wished him a nice day after having just offered him a credit cart at the register. Ugh, Is anything sacred around here? What must it look like to connect the Gospel to every day life? Can it only be found in specialized stores that sell Christian trinkets?! Even then it seems identical to my job, and I do not believe my job to be very spiritual at all! Not to mention all of those around me who talk of being church goers, they say one thing and then do another!It just seems that I can't be a Christian outside of the Church, and even when I'm in what should be a “safe place” or sacred place I find it to be totally unfilling and to be just like the rest of the world!
It was this concept of sacred and secular that filled Judah's head, he thought about all of the bands he truly enjoyed listening to that were not necessarily Christian and all of the bands that he heard at Church and that he found to be only so-so. He thought about the church down the street from his house that was build beautifully and wore incredible stained glass windows. The church was a tower of seemingly perfection and yet across from this multi million dollar building was a low rent apartment complex where people truly struggled and were toiling with pain and guilt over past life happenings. Judah continued to race with thoughts, he thought about how he had difficulty coming to prayer because he was always told that he had to pray a specific way and it didn't jive with him at all. So he just kept quiet. His mind raced and raced, from his morning at work to his mid-day shopping experience, from the stained glass Jesus, low rent apartments, so-so Christian music, prayer on mute and ultimately landed on his thoughts about his own home. As he walked in the door he found a note saying “Do not enter the family room, floor just waxed” and he thought to himself- we never even use the family room- its set up with family heirlooms and uncomfortable furniture. The area is roped off like a crime scene and besides he thought- I spend my time in the living room anyway because that's where life happens. Yet the very thought of the old English room wore on him as he screamed out “What is the deal with sacred and secular and why do we dress up places just to impress!”

In interpreting Acts 17:16-34 I sought to utilize Walter Brueggmans method which involves five steps in total. The first step involves narrative wrestling in which I went about looking over the text for questions that arose from Paul's interaction with the Athenians. The following questions came from my readings of the text: Who is Paul waiting for at the beginning of the event? What is considered an idol? What are the epicurean philosophers and stoic philosophers? What is the Areopagus? Who is Dionysius or Damaris? What is the background of Athens at the point of this writing? What poets are quoted by Paul? What did “taking” Paul entail in verse 19? How did Greek thought differ from what Paul was saying? Why does the crowd sneer at the mentioning of resurrection? What were the primary “gods” they worshiped? Why would they label something an “unknown god”? What happened to the prospect of Christianity spreading in Athens after Paul's initial encounter in this text?


The second portion of the interpretative method involved looking for particular words being used and or repetitive phrases, and specific emotions and reactions. The words I pulled from the text were the following: Idols, Epicurean, Stoic, Areopagus, altar, and believed. The expressions that stood out to me were “life and breath,” God-fearing Greeks, and every and everything. The bulk of words or expressions that I chose to look further into were those that were consistent with the Greek culture. I also thought that it was interesting that Paul chose to explain God and his involvement with humanity as “he himself gives all men life and breath and everything else”. Is it not enough that God gave all men life but that there is a greater significance in understanding God as the one who gives humanity the essence of life and that he is responsible for everything else. The expression of every and everything is repeated through 17:24-25 and leaves no room for error of thinking. God is mentioned in verse twenty-four as making the world and everything in it, in verse twenty-five he is explained as giving everything else and this concludes with God not just making one man but having made every nation of men.


The next area of interpretation is called advocacy and deals with seeking what the text meant to the hearers at the time of the event. Advocacy largely asks the question “what is the ax to grind” in the text, this means that the text should challenge the status que and lead to a deeper understanding of truth and reality. I was able to pull a few different issues from the text that I found to be important with each having significant say on the culture we live in today. The first thing has to do with Paul's approach to speaking the Gospel, Paul utilizes not just the synagogues of the Jews, but he utilizes the market place and then addresses the Council of the Areopagus. Paul goes anywhere, and everywhere because it is vital that people hear the Gospel and it does not matter where they are to hear it because all is Gods anyway. Paul also goes into their culture and conveys God's truth and he does this by connecting to their idols and then quoting their own poets of philosophy. It is in Paul's internalizing the Gospel that he can recognize the Gospel in the lives of those that seemingly do not know God like he does. Paul also explains the Gospel with clear indication that life is going somewhere and has purpose which would have challenged the mindset of the Stoic and Epicurean philosophers. Paul makes sure to mention a progression of who God is and what he does. Paul portrays that if we come from God then it is near insanity to believe that we can mold God or chisel God with our own hands. The final issue I bring up concerns Paul's talk of the resurrection. The resurrection is brought up twice and both times the hearers of the message react negatively over the suggestion that the dead can come back to life.


The fourth point is known as the Collision point and consists of connecting the advocacy of the text with today. Then and Now connect and perhaps even conflict with one another, the main goal is to assume that the text does not only mean something for its first century hearers but for readers of the text in Michigan in 2009. So what does the text have to say for us today?
It is important that we understand that the availability of God's truth is available in everything, and that even in situations that seem ungodly if we find truth we find an aspect of God. We must continue to break down the division of sacred and secular if we're to believe that Paul was right with his connecting with the Athenians. Paul utilizes different locales for his ministry, there does not seem to be a division between where he speaks the truth about Jesus. It is through out all of Paul's travels that he utilizes the worship center of the culture to connect the Gospel to the audience in those places. He does this first in the synagogues which were man-made establishments for expressing Judaism. He even preaches the truth in the Athenian Algora which is referred to as the market place but if we're to truly understand it we would have to note that it is the center of the public, where temples and government buildings were found, an area of offices and the business life of the city. He later moves towards the Areopagus which is the center from which philosophical authority reigns in Athens. How empowering is this text for our world today? This text stands to tell us that we're not designed to separate secular from sacred, and that if the only time we're card carrying Christians is when we're in a four-walled church then we're going up against the very things that Paul stood for and in actuality what the Gospel message stood for. All of these things connect with our present day understanding of calling things spiritual. By calling things spiritual we're dictating then that there are moments in time where there is an absence of “spiritual” life. This very thought process is contrary to the Gospel and it disconnects us from our Judaic roots. Paul maintains that every one was made through God, that everything is made by him and for him. Paul leaves no wiggle room, and he does not separate the physical and the spiritual. He does not separate the physical and the spiritual because to Paul there is no difference or division between the two.


All is Gods, and that means all actions and words point to God in some way or form. This means that going to work is a spiritual experience, driving home from school is a spiritual experience, getting ready for bed, setting your feet on the floor as you awake out of bed is truly a spiritual endeavor. This collision point becomes apparent in the reaction of the Athenians to the mentioning of the resurrection, they are a mix of emotions in concerning something that they themselves can not understand. Yet how often do we do this in our own churches? How often do we spiritualize the Bible, and namely the resurrection? We must ask ourselves as the church what does it mean to worship a man who beat death, what does it mean to truly know and understand that we're a part of a belief system that claims the tomb was empty? We believe in dead men walking, we believe that there is a depth to Jesus that is different than any other human being ever and yet do our actions meet our words?


The final step is that of practice, what can we do today in order to utilize what's been learned from Acts 17:16-34? I would challenge congregations to hold service outside the church building and go to the places where the word needs to be heard. This may mean street corners, it could mean porn conventions, bars and or malls. Go to where the sick are, and bring healing. I would challenge the body of Christ to question, to question why they do what they do and to dig deep. To go beyond “well this is what we have always done,” to ask out loud- why is this a tradition and when does tradition just become meaningless repetition with no power or conviction? What does it mean to be a Christian in the morning business meeting? How will people react when you start praying for them in the aisle of the local grocery? What will the world have to say about you when you are found sitting next to the town drunk at the bar, not participating in his or her actions but living with the understanding that God wants us to truly love our neighbor as thy self. It goes beyond stained glass windows to parking lots, graffiti laced street corners, deep in the woods, far into suburbia, at hospital bedsides, and bad news neighborhoods. The rich and the wealthy, the poor and the sick.


Eazy Dollar? Sacred and Secular? Christian trinkets? Cathedral ceilings and basement living? Family rooms that are old English rooms, living rooms that are family rooms, The irony of the church peering into the culture only to become just like the culture, these events are of the everyday and they permeate our faith walk.

Judah is feeling what most of us feel when we realize the great disconnect in our lives. This may happen while at church or the next day at work. We may find this disconnect in the moments where we finally connect, by connect I mean we touch base with the divine- we hit a Holy moment that can't be explained in human words but only by way of worship. Too many people complain that there is very little room for their walk with God through the week. In a way they seek to survive through separating the world into categories, some of which they claim to be sacred, and these things become tradition and become reserved and eventually become devoid of any true life or energy.


Can it be that our only response to making things Sacred is through putting crosses and Jesus fish on best selling “secular” items in order to call these things good and true? This is what we call revolution? Should we not stop and examine this separation that we created and look at how Jesus felt about spirituality for a moment. If we were to get in a time machine, what would Jesus have to say about his spirituality? I must say that we would quickly realize that Jesus didn't talk about his spiritual life because he didn't have one. He didn't have one, because his life was a spiritual life. He knew only one way and it was the way of his father and involved flesh and bone, spirit and soul.


What would it look like if people truly lined up for God? If people decided that what they really needed to go in debt for was Jesus and then they would find out that he already footed the bill. What would this look like? Yet if we're to connect with Acts 17:16-34 we realize that we must go to them. It is not so much about inviting others into our culture, but about approaching their culture and connecting them with what is true and what is Gods. Could our Athenian Angora be downtown Pontiac? Are we able to see the hospital as the synagogue? Could our Council be the coffee house? What does it mean to stand up and shout out “Men of Athens” - does it sound like “Fellow employees and clientel?


What does it mean to celebrate a dead man? How should we pray? It should be organic and natural without constraints and should come with fervor and depth of emotion. If we're to tell others about how real our God is, then we must represent Him that way. If we're to tell others about what it means to walk with Jesus then we must stop spiritualize his resurrection and start living like those that have been invited to overtake death in victory. We must remove ourselves from stale, reserved and uncomfortable old English room church services and connect with deep in the trenches worship. We must seek to make people wonder about dead men walking, and we must insist that there is no division between sacred and secular even if sneering is their thing.
Judah is not too unlike the rest of us, his day to day is not connecting with his Sunday church experience. Perhaps he feels that his work does not matter to God, or that he must settle for the disconnect of faith and life. In his thoughts of how we spiritualize things he wonders how he could speak about the reality of Faith when he consistently has to subscribe to the world alongside the Gospel. By our measuring of things as sacred and secular we risk telling others that there are places where God reigns and other areas where He does not. The Gospel has ultimate power but we risk isolating that power when we deem certain things safe and others unclean. In the end Judah realizes his place in Athens, and he awaits hearing about the resurrection and just how it will relate to his life right here and now. It is in this vision of Athens, Judah sees the secular become sacred, cathedral buildings filled with the unkempt, lines of men and women who all have the same questions, product sold from human hands which belong to an all powerful creator God. There is no room in Paul's every and everything for a nine to five devoid of God, it must be everyday and everything, it all must be Holy because it all belongs to Him.

Red Wings, Iron Monkey, and Spider infestation.

So I have today off- and I know I have some things to do... but its difficult getting motivated. lol

You ever feel like the day is so riped with potential that you may just "miss" it.

Yeah that's today for me. It's beautiful out, there is house work to be done, I feel very little energy towards writing today, the PS3 is seeking to distract me and I need to go out and get a few things.. aghh.. now that I have all this free time with school being finished for the summer- what am I to do?

Well first thing to comment on is the Wings game. I get far too invested in the Red Wings playoffs- I get too amped up and frustrated over a loss. Seriously I do. I'm like the example that Rob Bell paints in the Nooma "Store"- I'm the sports guy that gets all upset at a sporting event and is not really upset with the game but with other things in life. Now to be quite honest my life is actually pretty good- well actually its great. I mean my wife is pregnant for crying out loud- how much happier could I get? Of course I would also like to become more invested in ministry opportunities and I believe that is where my frustration towards sports comes from. (you'd have to watch the Nooma "Store" to understand what I'm coming from) The essential concept is that we're all suppose to be fighting for something and often that fight is something bigger than what we're currently engaged in- this is why we become so entangled in sports, business, etc. We're caught up in getting angry about things that truly should not make us angry. Basically we're in a war because we're in need of being in a war. If that makes any sense.

So the Red Wings lost and it was a heart breaker of a loss... I mean triple over-time in Detroit. Losses like that make you feel as if you would have been better off missing the game entirely. Yet here is the deal- The Ducks didn't get to the second round on luck- they beat the 1st place Sharks. The Wings have not been a top team all year and last years Stanley Cup Champions by chance- they also belong in the second round. Both teams obviously belong where there at... I will suggest that the Wings were always better than the Sharks- and proved that all year long. The Sharks were not a true 1st seed (they burned themselves out at the end of the season) the Ducks were not a true 8 seed and the Wings are without top 2 defense man Brian Rafalski. In the end there have been all these doom and gloom people/fans suggesting that they are finished, etc. It's as if everyone believed that we would sweep this series.... come on people! We all know that the playoffs are played as a seven game series for a reason- we have no reason to worry... the Wings were not blown out of the water yesterday afternoon, they play better away than at home and we can only hope that Rafalski comes back. That's all I'm suggesting. Five of our top Six forwards NEED to turn it up. The Ducks top line is performing like a top line- so the Wings must also have their line perform equally. If all else fails- bring Datsyuk and Zetterberg back together, bring the magic of the Euro twins back together.

Whew.

Anyway Wings will win this one- and it may not always look pretty. lol

So I missed Free Comic Book day entirely! This is not like me at all- I must be going through some sort of change.

I've been having an interest in the possibility of attending conventions in the near future- the problem with that interest is that I work at a job that typically wants me there on weekends. (well at least Fridays and Saturdays) I also have been desiring a big get together with those interested in ministry opportunity. I guess my mind is buzzing with a million different things and I'm not entirely sure what to do with these thoughts and dreams. lol

I feel sort of bad for Tina... well for both of us. lol. We really do not have too many friends. I'm not sure why that is (and trust me it takes guts coming to a public forum and expressing this) but we're both so difficult to crack. We're like "professional introverts" if that makes sense- now we don't have to be living life out as a party or anything... but it would be nice to have close friends to talk to and hang out with. I believe we're just at a crossroads right now.

This is pretty much what has happened over the years... (and I say these things with love)Starting back when we were in High School... Tina went to South Lyon and I went to Milford. Over time... I became better friends with Tina's friends and as a result- her group became my group and so we had a set group of friends. As time progressed, graduation came and the first few formative years out of High School kicked in- we were all very close and shared a lot of the same interests. Concerts, Parties, Bars, Apartments, Movie nights, and a whole host of other things. Over two years ago we started a Bible Study in what became a year away from going to a Church as we did our own independent study of scripture at Java House (in South Lyon) on Wednesday nights. These meet-ups were especially interesting- I really enjoyed wrestling with friends and family about "big issues" - these times included my cousin David, Patrick, Jason, my brother, Keri, Jessica, Kelly, and host of others from time to time. I really enjoyed meeting up with other individuals who were seeking some definitive role for God in their lives.

Then the move happened. Things changed. I was working every night, and all weekend. I was going to school Monday through Friday- I saw Tina for like 15 minutes a week. It was tough, no... actually it was incredibly difficult. We attended Mars Hill Church in Grandville- it was there that I fully saw what I believe (and still believe) to be God's vision for us. Eventually I would be on a speaking platform like Bell... yet even now as I write that... I'm not sure I see it in my own life currently... lol. (I wish I knew... really it would be nice to have some sort of answer...lol) ...and back to the story...We both wanted to become a part of something at the Church- we wanted to get involved in classes, or in a small group of some sort. Yet time was against us and our inability to act in an extrovert sort of way also impeded also. We both are shy people, it can take a great deal of time to "crack" us. I act quite a bit different between those that I have known for years and to those that I have known for only a short time. This isn't my way of saying that I'm putting on a show for anyone in particular- its just that I must have some sort of insecurity. The major difference is that when I'm around those that I actually know pretty well... I laugh more, I'm more energetic, and I'm more out spoken. These are probably the greatest differences that I personally notice. Now this isn't to say that if you have known me for a few months that I'm this completely different guy outside of church or work... I'm not suggesting that by day I'm Bruce Wayne and at night I'm Batman (although that would be pretty cool) I just think that I hold back a lot around those that I've only known briefly.

So we both have this issue... lol I don't believe that it is uncommon but it is definitely frustrating. It's the main thing that is holding me back in the potential of ministry. I'm ready to go, I feel as if I'm prepared, I feel as if I could help others and encourage others... but I'm at times scared to death (oh boy there I said it) perhaps its a confidence issue or an issue of feeling like I might be rejected... I'm not entirely sure (and I believe that both of these things can be connected to one another) It's just frustrating.I should be working in a church, I should be finished with my tenure at my current job. But I'm not- and I have to believe its because I'm too difficult on myself, and have little confidence. Ugh.

To move on with the story though...

Tina and I had great difficulty in Grand Rapids with reaching out to meet new people. I attended school with 18 year olds, I worked with individuals who I supervised... and attended a 10,000 + church with very little connectedness amongst the congregation- oh and did I mention we never saw one another and I was so busy that 3 hours a sleep a night was common?

So as the story would unfold, Tina became pregnant and we decided to move home- this was met with frustration and excitement. Frustration because other than the set backs with (well everything) I still felt that things were great with school, and I loved the city and the area of Grand Rapids. Yet when it was all said and done- Tina and I loaded our stuff up and went home.We got home and it seemed to take forever in getting re-adjusted to calling our old home- home and our recent home our old home. (still tracking with me?)

I started back at Novi, I had difficulties with the whole transition (mainly because I felt that my time there had finished when I left for Grand Rapids) and the news came 3 days after moving back home that we lost the baby- devastation struck us in a way that we never could expect or prepare for. Every part of who I was at the time- well it seemed as if my life stopped, and yet the world kept trying to pull me back into it. I felt for awhile that I could find hope in just returning back to Grand Rapids, that although things were rough there with school, work, apartment neighbors etc... we at least had our little one there, and if we could just go back- we could have her back and live happily ever after (or at least close to it)

For awhile I treated being home as a curse- I thought that we moved all the way back for the baby, I moved home for my wife and for the baby- and when we got home, we lost her. It was like a cruel joke- my Faith took a huge hit, I was angry, absolutely crushed under the circumstances of losing her. I didn't know what I could trust God with in the future- to be quite honest it felt that God may just be an intellectual exercise and that none of us could ever get Him right any how... so perhaps I was just running in circles.

Yet I knew my wife needed my Faith. She needed to hear from her husband that everything would be fine, and that words mattered, and tears mattered and crying out to God mattered. It's not as if I didn't believe this, its just that I was so hurt and angry that it was difficult to desire relationship. I guess I just felt slighted, cheated, and without an understanding of how things came to be the way that they were. Although God was there at every turn- I just felt destroyed.. as if a part of who I was left with Josiah and I didn't think that it would ever return. So I smiled, I joked, I went through the months- but inside I was struggling, hurting, bleeding from the separation, pissed off (can I say that?) and full of mourning. I was exhausted.

We came home and those that were supposed to be our long term friends were seemingly gone. They all had moved on with their own lives (which is to be expected and of course is a good thing!) but it was tough. People hung around for a few weeks- emailing, texting, calling- desiring to hang out but at some point whether or not it was communicating verbally- it was felt. They believed that we should be "over" the loss but we weren't and we couldn't just be "over it." In fact it has been proven in grief counseling that for what ever reason people tend to stick around for a time period of up to six weeks and then they just sort of expect things to be "better" with you. Things weren't better and we made that known and through making that known we were sort of rejected over time. Yet for a loss like Josiah, it could take up to two years to get over feelings of great mourning.
Six weeks against Two years.
Six weeks against One-Hundred and Four weeks.

Ninety-Eight weeks of being alone. What a disproportionate number.

Co-workers I had worked with before the move had found other jobs, other friends, other activities. Long time friends had found boy friends, girl friends, and other states to travel to in order to occupy their time. Movie nights ended, Bible studies came to an end, heck even people reading these blogs came to a halt. (I'll be honest here... I know I probably haven't been the best friend either- its just been difficult with everything since the loss) Yet knowing that I used to have people who would come hear and read and write comments of love, and encouragement... well I feel as if I have taken a hit on one of my life passions.

We moved to Commerce and we started renting a house and we started trying to get pregnant again. We had a get together here or there... and during these get togethers I would often slip away with my brother-in-law and his wife for prayer. It was what was needed at the time- to others it might had come across as weird, or unusual or perhaps even rude. I apologize... I just wasn't fully ready to move back into relationship with others. I cancelled a lot of coffee dates, and lunch-ins, it was just too difficult to work as an extrovert while feeling like such an introvert.

Months passed and in January- we started attending Soul Quest. I grew very quickly into a close relationship with Pastor Dave. I could see reflections of his past in my life, and vice versa. I also felt that this was not only the place for Tina and I but that it would be here that we would begin a form of ministry. I have always felt led to teach, to pastor, to encourage and motivate others- and I felt right away like that was where God wanted us. (and still wants us) Yet I won't say that its been easy- we're both still so caught up in being enclosed. We have few friends (so it seems) it is difficult for us to reach out to others- we even took a huge risk (well it felt that way to us)... with asking people over after having only attended the Church for a month or two for a BBQ at our place. That was a move very uncharacteristic for us...it turned out great but it took a lot out of us.... because we're entirely too self aware- I guess.

So here we are today...I don't have a lot of good, close friends. I have very few guy friends... The closest outside of my Dad and my brother is my brother in law Jeremy, Wendell and Pastor Dave. That's it. lol- Believe me I wouldn't change anything about these friendships for a second but still. I tend to connect with older guys because my mind is constantly in motion towards idea's, concepts, and interests that are the typically wrestling points of men who are in Faith and who have spent years wrestling with the very things I'm currently wrestling with. When I was 18- I felt like I was 30. When I was 22- I felt like was 40. I'm 26 and I feel like I'm 50. lol - not in a "creaky" bones sort of way just in where my head is- I feel 26 at heart and in my body- its just that my thoughts, my dreams and aspirations come from somewhere else. I guess it's where wisdom connects with youthfullness. I'm plenty young but also caught up in seeking wisdom and discernment.

I would love to set up a Bible study, I'm encouraged by some of the relationships that are building up between Tina and I and some of the couples from Soul Quest (Zac, Amy, Keely, Ryan, etc) it's just tough. I miss connecting with others, I would like to experience close Faith building relationships with friends in small group or Bible Studies... it just seems that some might think that we're unkind, or not very outgoing. Well they would be right about the outgoing portion- it can take a great deal of time for us to truly let go of our insecurities. lol I wish things were different and I of course will continue to pray for things to open up for relationship and friendship because it can be pretty lonely.

Tina and I are moving again. Tina is pregnant again. Though I know full in well that everything is going to work out this time. I trust in the power of prayer and in the name of Jesus. I'm willing to put my Faith out there, and I know that God will continue to keep and protect all three of us. I do not have a doubt. It can be tough while thinking of Josiah... I think about how she would look, how she would act, who she would become. Yet now we have this new blessing of a baby, and we're becoming so attached to this little one. Tina and I believe that we're in this new stage of life, and we're so excited. I would just like to be able to have closer friends to share these times with and when its all said and done- I do respect that everyone is at a different life moment right now and that's where difficulties have arose. Just know that if you are reading this... we love you and I know that its just a matter of time before we're all entangled again with our life stories and dreams.

Boy, where did all that come from?I kind of wish that it was raining today... I know, I know that's horrible (or is it?) it would just make sitting inside easier for me. lol I wouldn't mind laying in bed and watching an old movie that I haven't seen for a long time. Something that Tina doesn't typically like but that I find to be entertaining. Something like Iron Monkey or Ong Bak.. hmm...

We'll see.That's it for now... an up and down blog for sure.-Hopefully I'll be able to do some sound writing today- perhaps I will sit outside in my spider infested backyard and read/write for a bit.

- Peace be With You.
Lance

We all have a story

Finished off a good weekend.

Weird week due to the fact that my two days off are right next to one another (Sunday and Monday) I'm not entirely sure what all I'm going to do tomorrow- not that there isn't a few things that need to happen during the day. Hopefully I'll make progress on something...

I'm quite excited for this summer and after talking things over with Zac and Amy at church today- I know that Tina is also excited. Once we began talking about the potential of ministry impact this summer... things became pretty energized. So hopefully we're able to get the ball rolling on some new opportunities soon. I'm definitely ready to get my feet wet both in ministry and at a teaching level (and of course nervous) on top of it all.

Things have really been going great, especially since the ultrasound this past Thursday. Seems as if time is flying by (which is a good thing for this pregnancy!) I would just like to ask those that read this to please continue praying for everything to go well- and we appreciate both what's been already prayed for and what will be prayed for in advance. Thank you!

Of course for the past (oh I don't couple years...lol) I have been hinting at putting a book together. For the most part this is still a vital goal of mine and it really has just been a matter of becoming disciplined about sitting down to write and also having a solid premise for the book. I've realized a couple things that have helped motivate me to action in the near future concerning the writing for this book:

1. I'm not looking to write for the scholar- I want to write in a simple way... I want to connect with anyone and everyone. My goal is to take difficult concepts and bring them to people in a way that they can best understand them.
2. What has been the center of my struggle for sometime has been how seemingly easy its been to sit down and write blogs and yet when it comes down to writing out a structured book- I've had difficulty. So I've settled on the idea of writing stories instead of "essays" - linking my own narrative into "the story" that is the Gospel.

I have had to change my perspective about going about writing- but I'm pretty sure that I'm now in a "good place" to finally put the energy into it.

That's it for now... I need sleeeeeep.

Go in Peace.
Lance

Flicker and Foundation. Baby Faith.

I've realized over the years that my blogs are not typical by any means. They can be lengthy and cover a variety of topics. (I'm thinking this has to do with my secret desire or rather "need" of writing a book) So bear with me here- I'm swirling with topics and whereas I ought to probably be more simplistic with this writing... I'm compulsive about always attempting to get "everything" out. So uhm.., just stay with me for a bit if you can and I will do my best to have some sense of flow in my thoughts.

lol..

The house is a mess. No it really is... I'm sitting in my office area of the house and I have about twenty or so books stacked up around me. I'm realizing that there are quite a few books that I still need to finish... I'm also realizing that there are only a few books that have made any sort of significant impact on my Faith life. There are times where you come across particular books that "change you," these books can alter a particular way of thinking or sometimes they can just help foster something that was already there. Two books in particular have helped in encouraging what I've already believed for sometime- and these two books are Jesus Wants to Save Christians: A Manifesto for the Church in Exile, and the other is The Divine Conspiracy: Discovering our Hidden Life in God.

I must say I have probably mentioned this before- so that's all I'm going to say. lol

I'm becoming more aware of what I believe and why I believe it. Under the same observation I will also suggest that there are very few things that I have "set in stone" in my Faith walk. I think that this is a good thing... my understanding of God and how He works is not outlined by my intellectual reasoning. I don't have to put God in a corner and suggest that He jumps when I tell Him to. I can be open to knowing that God will do and can do anything and everything and that does not have to fall into a pre-made category that I call "my Faith." The Gospel message used to take on a very lengthy understanding and yet now what may had taken pages to describe I've been able to piece together in small sentences. I believe that this is a good thing, there is always more to say and yet sometimes we say more with less. When you say that God is ultimate and Complete. That's all that you need to say- I do not have to explain away what that means (because even then I'm an incomplete, finite being attempting to explain away a fully Divine, completely infinite God) I can say that God is total, that God is omnipresent, transcendent, fully personal and loving and that through his son Jesus he became man in flesh, grew up in the 1st century, started a ministry, died a sinners death as an innocent man. His blood held the power to cross all lines of men and women from all of time to cover their sins and on the third day He rose- he stayed with his followers for a period of over forty days- He left and in His place came the Holy Spirit- the church began as a people looking to follow the Way of their master.

We're right here, right now in the same place- attempting to do the same thing.

We are a part of a new humanity. We are a part of a revolution.

We need to start acting like it.

Surely if you are a church going Christian, you have had plenty of moments where the presence of God has fallen on you. Yet what about the moments outside of church- what about in the everyday, in your walking around the grocery store, in your phone conversation with your troubled cousin, in arguments with your spouse, in the past that you can not let go, in saying that you've turned over a new life and yet you have one hand behind your back holding onto the very thing you just cursed, in deleting your viewing history on the computer so that nobody knows the things going on in your head and in your heart.

If we for even a second believe that God is only in Church buildings then we must examine why we believe that. Could it be because we're more comfortable with living one life there and another life "here." For many of us when we must come alone to our thoughts, then when we deal with the very things that bother us in silence- we're forced to a place of decision and sometimes that means change and change is not always easy. When you look back at two thousand + years of Christianity we see great victories in Faith at work and yet we also see many opportunities and failed experiments.

I sometimes wonder what my position will be...

This isn't me being in a place of not knowing or being too far involved in desiring my own success. I don't believe that I'm too far off from how most people feel and that is that I would like at some point to know where I could best serve and to what capacity. I have had shades of coming to grips with who God is building me up to be, no doubt I have been in my place of passion and when there I have felt more alive than ever before. I refuse to buy into this belief system that we're not built for something in particular- surely each individual can take multiple paths, and take on multiple goals in life and yet I truly believe that we're all built for something in particular and most of life is made up of attempting to figure that "something" out.

The other day I was at work and was involved in a conversation about the concept of "perfect silence." Although this was talked about in a jokingly way I started to think about it at a deeper level as the day passed on. We also talked briefly about quantum physics, and history and politics and its in these conversations that the Christian can become most involved. If you believe that there is a secular and sacred divide in all of life, if you believe that if it is not mentioned in scripture and has yet to be mentioned by your Pastor at your church that it is wrong then you must examine that to a deeper level. Now I'm not talking about things that are contrary to scripture, things that immediately rub against scripture or contradict it entirely- I'm talking about knowing and understanding the God of the Cosmo's, the infinite being that is our creator God to have control over all things and that their is a mystery to be known (and also never to be known) about our God and His ways. It is with teachers that decide to utilize the various systems of thought and the various areas of study (history, literature, mathematics, physics, Biology etc) and work them in a seemingly effortless way into the truth of scripture that I find great promise and gained knowledge. It is not that Christianity, or the church for that matter are reliant upon utilizing things outside of scripture but that when we connect the elements together we are better off. For if something is true in nature, in the world, in the sciences- then we can safely connect (and must connect) these things with Gods truth. If all is His, then we can not and should not separate or categorize life into bins and boxes.

I look at those that debate to no end about things that they consider themselves to be experts of. I watch as each side builds an intellectual wall around themselves, there thoughts and theories constructed like bricks between one another. What a life that must be? A life built around defense and we all know that the best offensive is a great defense. So we built, we divide, we separate and we lose the Gospel. For those who are always at war, will eventually suffer from being worn down and it will be in their moment of much needed rest that someone will knock their foundation out and with it their faith will fall as well. Christianity is not an intellectual exercise, it can be incredible coffee conversation but it is not only that- it must be blood, bone and soul. I love not having to be on the attack, on the defense- surely I get upset when I come up against an ignorant view, a path that someone has taken and that they support with very little information or life experience at hand. Of course I get riled up in these situations and yet at the same time- I'm just able to feel at rest about things, because I'm well aware that I will never know "it all" and I'm okay with that.

My God is bigger than my answers, or lack of answers. My God is bigger than your questions. Even if you truly think you have me cornered- my God can not be. I can be at rest even if your not.

I do not have to put up an aggressive front, I'd rather build relationships with others that tear their views down- an individual will be impaired of experiencing Kingdom truth if they are too busy defending themselves or feeling the verbal tear down from another (who of course is suggesting that they are doing it for the others own good) How can you learn to know and love God if the person who is supposedly representing Him is taking a machete of words to your legs?

So where was I? Perfect silence...

It was Thursday morning, Tina and I drove to the our first ultrasound for the pregnancy. I'd be lying if I were to say that I were not a bit nervous.

Hopefully I'll be able to describe this experience- my inability to write lately has been frustrating.

As we entered into the lab room, my knees felt like they were going to slide down to my ankles. I gripped the book that I brought with me, and prayed...and prayed... and prayed. It felt like forever. The room was dark, and everything felt like last year. The monitor blinked black and white and as the lab assistant left the room- I could see Tina's emotions building and I was doing everything I could to help support her. The assistant came back and the process began. Now although my Hope relies on the power of God- I also could not help but watch as plot points were exercised all over the monitor- I could not help but get sucked into the significance of knowing that this harmless looking game of connect the dots could unleash a flurry of emotions in the waking minutes. That if you allow things to get down to simple dots on a screen, and that if it is all by chance and by "freak" occurrence- dots and mumbles, hmms and silence mean everything. I will not suggest that the mums, the hmms, the hrrms and the perfect silence did not affect me. I was frozen to the screen, Tina's eyes were no doubt staring into mine. Knowing that if something besides happy tones came out of the associates mouth that I would no doubt show dread in my eyes. The machine hummed, the wait seemed forever- moving around, poking around, my thoughts went back to last year I was attempting to remember the abbreviations put on the screen at that time- in my efforts to just feel at ease I had to put myself into last years position- trying to recollect every thought, every motion of the assistant.

When you go through what we went through. Nothing will ever be the same.

The assistant moved on top of Tina's belly- the assistant took picture after picture, and the silence shifted from wall to wall and got caught up in the glow of the video monitor. Like sonar seeking out life... like heat sensors seeking out a signature. My prayers kept pressing, my heart kept racing and Tina kept staring at me.

Then a flicker.

A flicker. That's all we needed to see. A flicker- the heartbeat of our little one, the heart beat of our baby, the heart beat of Gods grand design. It was right then and there that I realized more than ever before that God can not be boxed in, or controlled. Or that we can "figure it all out" because as I stared at that monitor, as I stared at this beautifully complex design- and I knew that, that flicker was not weak but strong and that, that flicker came across as Morse code: "I'm alive, I'm alive and well" There was no distress, just life- vibrant, beautiful life. A baby doing exactly what he or she is supposed to do- grow...grow...grow. For when I suggest that the heartbeat of an 8 week old baby is a flicker-you might connect it with a weak signal- but against the grain of a black and white screen, with the history that Tina and I have had. Well a flicker is all that we needed to see last year but didn't. A flicker is the difference between life and death. It is in the perfect silence that you might find yourself alone with your thoughts, and it is in the perfect silence that even a flicker can be heard.

Hope. Hope that measured out to 165 Bpm which is exactly where we're supposed to be. Hope. Hope that can be measured by the words "everything is coming along just right" Hope. Hope that can be found in bedtime prayers, and lab room anxiety. Hope. Hope that is found in my eyes tearing up with joy, my wifes trembling hand and an assistants voice saying "that flicker- that's the heart beat" Thank God.

I thank God that this baby is alive and well. I will continue to pray for this child, because I have very little more that I can do. All I can do is support my wife, and by supporting her- support this little miracle. A flicker doesn't seem like much- but it is everything right now. I have never felt like that before- never. Moving from anxiety to excitement. Seeing this baby on screen, seeing this vital little child on screen and knowing that God is taking care of him or her right here, and right now. Well that's everything. I'm not really sure how else to say this. My understanding of how God works does not have to be completely "put together" or figured out- because all I have to do is point to a monitor that shows a little baby inside my wife and right then and there... I can rest in knowing that I don't understand everything but I do understand that we serve and live in relationship with a powerfully loving God who does great, and amazing things.

Simply put, I have never felt this way before. I have never felt my heart race that way before. Upon hearing and this is the baby and you look like your coming along well. Well those words between the hrrms, and the hmms became gold. Those words broke the gasp of anxiety riding up in my chest to form the words that exited my mouth...

"Praise God. Thank you Lord."

Go in Peace.

Lance