Praising and Pressuring.

Something has been happening to me.

Something deep. Something outside of possible explanation. Yet I'm always willing to give it the "ole college try." It isn't the move. It isn't the baby. Surely these things have been powerful movements in my life, well in our life (mine and Tina's)... yet that is not it.

I have gone into this place... this dark night of the soul type of place. God is working stuff in and out of me. I'm dealing with the past, with the dark trenches of my life. I'm dealing with the garbage, the crap, the secrets of family, the rejections of friendships, the expectation of Faith.

One day I'm on fire. The next day I'm in a place of motion and pain and mourning and farewells.

Not to anyone in particular. I'm in a place of dying to myself. To my own pursuit, to my own expectations, and I'm aligning with His expectations and that is a beautiful and wrecked place. Hmm... am I being honest enough for you?

If I'm honest it's something bigger that I ever could have expected or desired.

This is the sort of thing that they don't teach you at Bible school, or at seminary... this is the sort of thing that you don't know about, until you meet it head on. In realizing that I have few friends, and that's because I have expectations for friendships. I'm tired of masks, I'm tired of subscribing to systems that the world ushers individuals into. I'm tired of life being something we tirelessly move in and out of. We should all want our lives to matter, and I surely know that I want mine to matter.

For many put on masks, one mask for school, one mask for work, one mask for church, another for group A friends, another for group B friends. When really all one wants is to be "real" and even at times... we ask ourselves "what does it even mean to be real?"

I analyze things. I'm a thinker. I'm someone who seeks to poke, prod, question and I want others to do the same or at least be willing to discover alongside me. I overheard someone talking about their job, and it's at a hospital and they suggested that the life of a patient was "Daily Business" and I wondered to myself "what part of someones existence and life expectancy is "Daily Business" to you?"

Everyday I'm drafted into another's agenda, or plan or place of contention. I'm told that I should care about things that I really do not care about. Then I'm told that I should care because I get paid for it... this is not enough to motivate or sustain passion. God is constantly working on me and I have no idea where he is leading us. lol

I'm okay with this.

I'm okay with this because every time I thought I would take the wheel... I crashed the car that of which is my life... so I'm okay with this but yet it can be discomforting because all we know from the day we're born is that we are to put together a life and that we're to defend this life at every turn. What if we're to do the opposite of the world and we're to submit our life- this to many seems impractical, this may even seem to be irresponsible and yet with God this is the way life is to be. We're to give up to gain, we're to surrender in order to conquer, we're to die in order to live.

I'm through with my reputation. My own seeking of reputation does not matter in the presence of God.

I have an issue (well many issues) with "Churchianity" with "Cozy Christianity" with those that claim that "God is Good" and yet they still live a shell of a life that utters something different. This isn't legalism, this isn't judgment, this isn't self-righteousness, I'm not sitting here with my feet up suggesting that I don't have my own issues- I have plenty. Trust me I was there with myself when I was sobbing by myself. I just want Faith in general to matter- I want for those that say "God is Good" for their life, for my life to resonate with His Goodness. So God is Good? Then what does your life suggest about a Good God? What does God being Good say about your life? How has his Goodness propelled you to live? What does being made in His image mean? These are the things that the Christian must wrestle with and if you are not wrestling with these things then why?

If my Faith does not offend then it must encourage. What does this mean? It means that if I'm not doing either with my Faith, then I must examine my Faith. As I look (and Praise God) for being able to bring a son or daughter into this world, as I look to teach, motivate, and encourage the youth of His Church I know the importance of being in His presence. I take this seriously because I could be their only exposure to the Gospel, I could be the only time they have a conversation about Jesus and my life must matter and resonate with Him and if it doesn't. Again why?

I'm on this road, Tina and I are on this road and its incredibly exciting. Everyday I'm tussling, and toiling with scripture. I'm seeking His will, I understand that prayer matters, that words matter and that I'm a human being with issues that go beyond the physical and into the spiritual realm. I could write for hours, but I have somethings to attend to. In the end I must ask of those that read my blogs... if you are a believer then what do you believe about this:

Is Jesus Christ the best possible way? Or is He the only way? I believe you know where I stand on this, if He is for you what He is for me and that is that He is the only way- how does your life reflect that?

Peace be With You.
Lance