Red Wings, Iron Monkey, and Spider infestation.

So I have today off- and I know I have some things to do... but its difficult getting motivated. lol

You ever feel like the day is so riped with potential that you may just "miss" it.

Yeah that's today for me. It's beautiful out, there is house work to be done, I feel very little energy towards writing today, the PS3 is seeking to distract me and I need to go out and get a few things.. aghh.. now that I have all this free time with school being finished for the summer- what am I to do?

Well first thing to comment on is the Wings game. I get far too invested in the Red Wings playoffs- I get too amped up and frustrated over a loss. Seriously I do. I'm like the example that Rob Bell paints in the Nooma "Store"- I'm the sports guy that gets all upset at a sporting event and is not really upset with the game but with other things in life. Now to be quite honest my life is actually pretty good- well actually its great. I mean my wife is pregnant for crying out loud- how much happier could I get? Of course I would also like to become more invested in ministry opportunities and I believe that is where my frustration towards sports comes from. (you'd have to watch the Nooma "Store" to understand what I'm coming from) The essential concept is that we're all suppose to be fighting for something and often that fight is something bigger than what we're currently engaged in- this is why we become so entangled in sports, business, etc. We're caught up in getting angry about things that truly should not make us angry. Basically we're in a war because we're in need of being in a war. If that makes any sense.

So the Red Wings lost and it was a heart breaker of a loss... I mean triple over-time in Detroit. Losses like that make you feel as if you would have been better off missing the game entirely. Yet here is the deal- The Ducks didn't get to the second round on luck- they beat the 1st place Sharks. The Wings have not been a top team all year and last years Stanley Cup Champions by chance- they also belong in the second round. Both teams obviously belong where there at... I will suggest that the Wings were always better than the Sharks- and proved that all year long. The Sharks were not a true 1st seed (they burned themselves out at the end of the season) the Ducks were not a true 8 seed and the Wings are without top 2 defense man Brian Rafalski. In the end there have been all these doom and gloom people/fans suggesting that they are finished, etc. It's as if everyone believed that we would sweep this series.... come on people! We all know that the playoffs are played as a seven game series for a reason- we have no reason to worry... the Wings were not blown out of the water yesterday afternoon, they play better away than at home and we can only hope that Rafalski comes back. That's all I'm suggesting. Five of our top Six forwards NEED to turn it up. The Ducks top line is performing like a top line- so the Wings must also have their line perform equally. If all else fails- bring Datsyuk and Zetterberg back together, bring the magic of the Euro twins back together.

Whew.

Anyway Wings will win this one- and it may not always look pretty. lol

So I missed Free Comic Book day entirely! This is not like me at all- I must be going through some sort of change.

I've been having an interest in the possibility of attending conventions in the near future- the problem with that interest is that I work at a job that typically wants me there on weekends. (well at least Fridays and Saturdays) I also have been desiring a big get together with those interested in ministry opportunity. I guess my mind is buzzing with a million different things and I'm not entirely sure what to do with these thoughts and dreams. lol

I feel sort of bad for Tina... well for both of us. lol. We really do not have too many friends. I'm not sure why that is (and trust me it takes guts coming to a public forum and expressing this) but we're both so difficult to crack. We're like "professional introverts" if that makes sense- now we don't have to be living life out as a party or anything... but it would be nice to have close friends to talk to and hang out with. I believe we're just at a crossroads right now.

This is pretty much what has happened over the years... (and I say these things with love)Starting back when we were in High School... Tina went to South Lyon and I went to Milford. Over time... I became better friends with Tina's friends and as a result- her group became my group and so we had a set group of friends. As time progressed, graduation came and the first few formative years out of High School kicked in- we were all very close and shared a lot of the same interests. Concerts, Parties, Bars, Apartments, Movie nights, and a whole host of other things. Over two years ago we started a Bible Study in what became a year away from going to a Church as we did our own independent study of scripture at Java House (in South Lyon) on Wednesday nights. These meet-ups were especially interesting- I really enjoyed wrestling with friends and family about "big issues" - these times included my cousin David, Patrick, Jason, my brother, Keri, Jessica, Kelly, and host of others from time to time. I really enjoyed meeting up with other individuals who were seeking some definitive role for God in their lives.

Then the move happened. Things changed. I was working every night, and all weekend. I was going to school Monday through Friday- I saw Tina for like 15 minutes a week. It was tough, no... actually it was incredibly difficult. We attended Mars Hill Church in Grandville- it was there that I fully saw what I believe (and still believe) to be God's vision for us. Eventually I would be on a speaking platform like Bell... yet even now as I write that... I'm not sure I see it in my own life currently... lol. (I wish I knew... really it would be nice to have some sort of answer...lol) ...and back to the story...We both wanted to become a part of something at the Church- we wanted to get involved in classes, or in a small group of some sort. Yet time was against us and our inability to act in an extrovert sort of way also impeded also. We both are shy people, it can take a great deal of time to "crack" us. I act quite a bit different between those that I have known for years and to those that I have known for only a short time. This isn't my way of saying that I'm putting on a show for anyone in particular- its just that I must have some sort of insecurity. The major difference is that when I'm around those that I actually know pretty well... I laugh more, I'm more energetic, and I'm more out spoken. These are probably the greatest differences that I personally notice. Now this isn't to say that if you have known me for a few months that I'm this completely different guy outside of church or work... I'm not suggesting that by day I'm Bruce Wayne and at night I'm Batman (although that would be pretty cool) I just think that I hold back a lot around those that I've only known briefly.

So we both have this issue... lol I don't believe that it is uncommon but it is definitely frustrating. It's the main thing that is holding me back in the potential of ministry. I'm ready to go, I feel as if I'm prepared, I feel as if I could help others and encourage others... but I'm at times scared to death (oh boy there I said it) perhaps its a confidence issue or an issue of feeling like I might be rejected... I'm not entirely sure (and I believe that both of these things can be connected to one another) It's just frustrating.I should be working in a church, I should be finished with my tenure at my current job. But I'm not- and I have to believe its because I'm too difficult on myself, and have little confidence. Ugh.

To move on with the story though...

Tina and I had great difficulty in Grand Rapids with reaching out to meet new people. I attended school with 18 year olds, I worked with individuals who I supervised... and attended a 10,000 + church with very little connectedness amongst the congregation- oh and did I mention we never saw one another and I was so busy that 3 hours a sleep a night was common?

So as the story would unfold, Tina became pregnant and we decided to move home- this was met with frustration and excitement. Frustration because other than the set backs with (well everything) I still felt that things were great with school, and I loved the city and the area of Grand Rapids. Yet when it was all said and done- Tina and I loaded our stuff up and went home.We got home and it seemed to take forever in getting re-adjusted to calling our old home- home and our recent home our old home. (still tracking with me?)

I started back at Novi, I had difficulties with the whole transition (mainly because I felt that my time there had finished when I left for Grand Rapids) and the news came 3 days after moving back home that we lost the baby- devastation struck us in a way that we never could expect or prepare for. Every part of who I was at the time- well it seemed as if my life stopped, and yet the world kept trying to pull me back into it. I felt for awhile that I could find hope in just returning back to Grand Rapids, that although things were rough there with school, work, apartment neighbors etc... we at least had our little one there, and if we could just go back- we could have her back and live happily ever after (or at least close to it)

For awhile I treated being home as a curse- I thought that we moved all the way back for the baby, I moved home for my wife and for the baby- and when we got home, we lost her. It was like a cruel joke- my Faith took a huge hit, I was angry, absolutely crushed under the circumstances of losing her. I didn't know what I could trust God with in the future- to be quite honest it felt that God may just be an intellectual exercise and that none of us could ever get Him right any how... so perhaps I was just running in circles.

Yet I knew my wife needed my Faith. She needed to hear from her husband that everything would be fine, and that words mattered, and tears mattered and crying out to God mattered. It's not as if I didn't believe this, its just that I was so hurt and angry that it was difficult to desire relationship. I guess I just felt slighted, cheated, and without an understanding of how things came to be the way that they were. Although God was there at every turn- I just felt destroyed.. as if a part of who I was left with Josiah and I didn't think that it would ever return. So I smiled, I joked, I went through the months- but inside I was struggling, hurting, bleeding from the separation, pissed off (can I say that?) and full of mourning. I was exhausted.

We came home and those that were supposed to be our long term friends were seemingly gone. They all had moved on with their own lives (which is to be expected and of course is a good thing!) but it was tough. People hung around for a few weeks- emailing, texting, calling- desiring to hang out but at some point whether or not it was communicating verbally- it was felt. They believed that we should be "over" the loss but we weren't and we couldn't just be "over it." In fact it has been proven in grief counseling that for what ever reason people tend to stick around for a time period of up to six weeks and then they just sort of expect things to be "better" with you. Things weren't better and we made that known and through making that known we were sort of rejected over time. Yet for a loss like Josiah, it could take up to two years to get over feelings of great mourning.
Six weeks against Two years.
Six weeks against One-Hundred and Four weeks.

Ninety-Eight weeks of being alone. What a disproportionate number.

Co-workers I had worked with before the move had found other jobs, other friends, other activities. Long time friends had found boy friends, girl friends, and other states to travel to in order to occupy their time. Movie nights ended, Bible studies came to an end, heck even people reading these blogs came to a halt. (I'll be honest here... I know I probably haven't been the best friend either- its just been difficult with everything since the loss) Yet knowing that I used to have people who would come hear and read and write comments of love, and encouragement... well I feel as if I have taken a hit on one of my life passions.

We moved to Commerce and we started renting a house and we started trying to get pregnant again. We had a get together here or there... and during these get togethers I would often slip away with my brother-in-law and his wife for prayer. It was what was needed at the time- to others it might had come across as weird, or unusual or perhaps even rude. I apologize... I just wasn't fully ready to move back into relationship with others. I cancelled a lot of coffee dates, and lunch-ins, it was just too difficult to work as an extrovert while feeling like such an introvert.

Months passed and in January- we started attending Soul Quest. I grew very quickly into a close relationship with Pastor Dave. I could see reflections of his past in my life, and vice versa. I also felt that this was not only the place for Tina and I but that it would be here that we would begin a form of ministry. I have always felt led to teach, to pastor, to encourage and motivate others- and I felt right away like that was where God wanted us. (and still wants us) Yet I won't say that its been easy- we're both still so caught up in being enclosed. We have few friends (so it seems) it is difficult for us to reach out to others- we even took a huge risk (well it felt that way to us)... with asking people over after having only attended the Church for a month or two for a BBQ at our place. That was a move very uncharacteristic for us...it turned out great but it took a lot out of us.... because we're entirely too self aware- I guess.

So here we are today...I don't have a lot of good, close friends. I have very few guy friends... The closest outside of my Dad and my brother is my brother in law Jeremy, Wendell and Pastor Dave. That's it. lol- Believe me I wouldn't change anything about these friendships for a second but still. I tend to connect with older guys because my mind is constantly in motion towards idea's, concepts, and interests that are the typically wrestling points of men who are in Faith and who have spent years wrestling with the very things I'm currently wrestling with. When I was 18- I felt like I was 30. When I was 22- I felt like was 40. I'm 26 and I feel like I'm 50. lol - not in a "creaky" bones sort of way just in where my head is- I feel 26 at heart and in my body- its just that my thoughts, my dreams and aspirations come from somewhere else. I guess it's where wisdom connects with youthfullness. I'm plenty young but also caught up in seeking wisdom and discernment.

I would love to set up a Bible study, I'm encouraged by some of the relationships that are building up between Tina and I and some of the couples from Soul Quest (Zac, Amy, Keely, Ryan, etc) it's just tough. I miss connecting with others, I would like to experience close Faith building relationships with friends in small group or Bible Studies... it just seems that some might think that we're unkind, or not very outgoing. Well they would be right about the outgoing portion- it can take a great deal of time for us to truly let go of our insecurities. lol I wish things were different and I of course will continue to pray for things to open up for relationship and friendship because it can be pretty lonely.

Tina and I are moving again. Tina is pregnant again. Though I know full in well that everything is going to work out this time. I trust in the power of prayer and in the name of Jesus. I'm willing to put my Faith out there, and I know that God will continue to keep and protect all three of us. I do not have a doubt. It can be tough while thinking of Josiah... I think about how she would look, how she would act, who she would become. Yet now we have this new blessing of a baby, and we're becoming so attached to this little one. Tina and I believe that we're in this new stage of life, and we're so excited. I would just like to be able to have closer friends to share these times with and when its all said and done- I do respect that everyone is at a different life moment right now and that's where difficulties have arose. Just know that if you are reading this... we love you and I know that its just a matter of time before we're all entangled again with our life stories and dreams.

Boy, where did all that come from?I kind of wish that it was raining today... I know, I know that's horrible (or is it?) it would just make sitting inside easier for me. lol I wouldn't mind laying in bed and watching an old movie that I haven't seen for a long time. Something that Tina doesn't typically like but that I find to be entertaining. Something like Iron Monkey or Ong Bak.. hmm...

We'll see.That's it for now... an up and down blog for sure.-Hopefully I'll be able to do some sound writing today- perhaps I will sit outside in my spider infested backyard and read/write for a bit.

- Peace be With You.
Lance