Trenches.

It May Be Safe to Say That I'm in a Rut.


Sometimes I get into such a deep hole, not the sort of hole that you create as a teenager where you banged up your Dad's car, or had a party while your parents were out and destroyed the house. No a rut, that feels spiritual in nature. A rut that I can't believe is necessarily self produced but something that is much deeper, richer and frustrating. When it's difficult to tell up from down, left from right and whether or not you are moving forward or backwards. I do know something though...


As I write this I just love the way my fingers feel as they rapidly move across the keyboard, hitting letters with near perfection. I think I love it so much because when I'm writing, when I'm conveying my thoughts... I do not have to think, I just do and this just “doing” feels natural, worthwhile and I feel like I'm in my passion place. Again it's the matter of not having to think, my head feels less like a pin poked air release but as if I just hooked up a device to my brain and all my thoughts, emotions and reflections are poured out in a uniform and precise way.


I'm wondering why I don't do this more?


I used to write all the time but it just felt like it was taking away from writing a book. I stopped writing a blog only to talk about writing a book and never actually getting anywhere with it. So I stopped writing altogether. Yet the ideas continued to gather, my mind blazing with book constructs, with comic book outlines, with movie scripts, and serialized novels. Perhaps when thinking of writing a book, I fear losing the spontaneous and emotional energy that I get when writing a blog.


I wonder how is it that I'm helping change the world by sitting on my butt and writing a blog?


Tina and I received a video camera for Christmas (well we bought it but my brother was able to get a great deal on it) I've had a good time putting together videos and releasing them online and then I stopped producing them partially due to time but also because I didn't feel as if I was making any real dent. I've really just been in a spiritual rut. Then of course because life is so good, and I am so blessed... I end up feeling a sort of guilt about even feel depressed about this spiritual rut which only leads me to feeling more depressed.


I work myself to the bone between school, work and home and then when I finally get a day off I have no idea what to do with it and I'm left frustrated at the end of the day realizing that I just overlooked a unique thing in my schedule (a day off!) Boy do I feel like I'm writing a new chapter to the book of Ecclesiastes.


If you are still with me and haven't jumped ship yet because of my being somber and utterly depressing please stay on the boat and know that I'll be addressing some good things. Lol
This isn't me. The writing above isn't me. I'm far more encouraging, I'm far more excited and driven for what God has for me.


I just keep praying about a new job/ministry opportunity and really I feel like I'm still @ position 1. I promise myself that I'm going to move towards writing a book or something that could eventually see publication and I'm still in the conceptual stages. The world of academia feels contrived, recycled and without any sort of true praxis. Work is work... sometimes I wish my job could be like in “The Office” lol. I have boxes of moving stuff everywhere and I feel little to no motivation to move a single thing.


Gosh, I'm depressing myself. Lol
End Rant.


Yet life... life is great. I have a healthy, incredibly beautiful son. He was just measured at 12lbs, 12oz! Tina is coming along with her surgery, still healing up but each day is a progression forward. We just moved in an incredible condo which fulfilled all of interests, needs and desires. Thank you Jesus! I'm nearing the end of my bachelors degree and wondering what's next. Life is really great... I just would like to have a better understanding of where I'm going career wise. I feel like I'm spinning my tires and the trans is about to blow.


I pray that God will show me through someone else what I'm supposed to do with my life. Nothing. I pray that He will show me. Nothing. I pray that it will be through a dream. Nothing. I pray and I pray and I pray... and it's like my connection is on mute.


I know there will be breakthrough, I have to believe that something is going to work out...it's just a matter of time, patience and devotion. I just have to stick with it.


When I get down it helps to think of Judah, of Tina, of our loving families that have supported us and of course our church. Yet when I'm at my lowest... I really need to stop and think about all of those things but I really need to start things off and finish things off with one person. Jesus.
I need Jesus. I need Him in every area of my life, in my marriage, in my parenting, in my relationships, in my finances, in my career planning, in my work... oh gosh how I need Him there. I need to be who God would have me be at work. I don't necessarily think I'm all that I'm supposed to be in Christ when I'm at work. Perhaps it's because I'm working at a place where I was still very young in the faith, still caught up in ritual sinning and because of that I never really took on my new identity in Christ while being there. I mean it's not that I don't share with people what I want to do with my life, or that I don't act with love, compassion, joy....etc. Yet I'm pretty sure that any secular humanist can and does do those things. I must be less at work in order to truly be more. People HAVE to see Jesus reflected in me whenever I'm at work. I have to make every day count. I must wake up with time to meditate, read scripture, pray and worship. I have to because otherwise... I'm starving to death.


Perhaps that's just it... I'm not in a rut, but I'm in a battlefield trench. Taking shots and starving in a rut of a hole.


Thank you Jesus for not giving up on me or anyone for the matter. Thank you for not giving up on all of us who have failed you time and time again. Thank you for your Grace, your Love, your Holiness, your Justice, and your Power.


Peace be With You.